Have you ever found out little trivial pieces of information, and for some reason it eats at you even though it's kinda pointless.
Well, I was bored at work and was trying to waste some time, so I decided to look around MySpace and see if I can find any more people that I knew. So I was looking through Karen's friends(since I figure we know alot of the same people), and I came across someone odd. This guy named Jackel Smalls. Now, I've never met the guy(actually I think I have*), but I've heard of him. Back in the day I'd occasionally check the bandlink.org site to see if any of the younger Spring Valley guys made all-state or anything, and I remember seeing his name. I remember it well because he was from Goose Creek high school, and I'd been hanging out with a bunch of GC alums(Garga, Gavin, Thomas Paterninni, and Francis Sinuat)and thinking "Man, Goose Creek turns out all-state tuba/euphonium players like Lugoff Elgin churns out trombonist".
And of course I didn't think much about it until today...when I saw him on Karen's friend's list. All of a sudden I had this REALLY bad sinking feeling in my stomach because I was thinking "Ya' know, for YEARS I've been telling Karen how good of a euphonium player I was. I've been taking her to my concerts and trying to impress her and whatnot...but since she knows Jackel I bet all along she's been thinking 'Ehhhh...he's alright, but he's not better than Jackel. He'd kick his ass...and come to think about it, not only is he a better euphonium player than Gordon but he's cuter too!!!!'" I dunno, it just made me feel kinda stupid that I've been making a big deal about it for so long like it was special...
Of course I was nosey, so I googled him and it only got worse when I found out he was actually BETTER than the guys who were already substantially better than me(Andrew Kilgore and Sam LoBue). Mother Fucker. I found out he'd gotten all kinds of scholarships and was a euphonium major in college. I guess it's be like a girl getting all dressed up and showing off to her man thinking that she's looking good...but then she realizes that her dude went to high school with Mrs.South Carolina(which I did). I mean, he's a proffesional euphonist and has devoted YEARS of practice and study to aquire virtuoso skill for that to be his profession...while I've devoted like two hours a week to aquire moderately above average skill for it to be a hobby; and I shouldn't compare or expect to be better than him...but of course I still do. I guess it's the same if a girl works out a few hours a week, she shouldn't expect to be on the same level as a professional model, but in a way she's still going to compare herself.
I guess one of the deeper issues is that I've been practicing a good bit more than normal so that when I move down there I can make a name for myself as a GOOD player. But I think I realized that there are better players than me down there already...so it's going to be more of the same, and I'm going to have to continue taking it on the chin like some kind of musical understudy. I can't stand feeling like I'm just good enough to get in the league but I have to ride the bench while the starters are actually playing and getting acknowledged. That's some frustrating stuff...
Ehhhh...the plot thickens.
*I think he came to one of the USC summer music camps one of the years that I was a councelor.